“If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.”

Best. Quote. Ever.

Unknown parent, I salute you

Source

“Bad money drives out good”

Almost instantly,
my brain registers this information
and then a silly thought comes to my mind:

“Can this be applied to reality? To everyday-life?”

I stop reading and start giving some thought to it:

If it were to apply to everyday-life, one could deduce:

“Bad jobs drives out good [jobs]“
or
“Bad partners drives out good [partners]“
or even
“Bad experiences drives out good [experiences]“

I am appalled at how, somehow, this can be true.

Yes, I am exhausted. Hence the somewhat pointless words.

Last time I posted here, I wrote an Untitled post about how lost and out of place I felt, and the one before that was about feeling tired and wishing that something or someone came back.

Well, as you may have read, I wrote a late thank you note to someone just the other day and that was the first post of 2012. I spoke of how grateful I was of having met this person. And that’s exactly where I want to get to: a change that I feel that is coming.

No, I am not in love again (and you might have noticed that it has been over for some time now). I just finally feel that there is more to it than what I used to write. I can’t lie and say that I don’t want the fairy tale, or my happy ending for that matter, because I know I do want it. What changed – or should I say, what is changing - is how I am looking at things.

I have a feeling that 2012 is truly going to be a fantastic year  (read: enduring but worthwhile). My life isn’t changing altogether just yet. To be honest, nothing actually happened that made my world go around a roller-coaster,  nor am I in one. I feel that things are finally setting in. Everything around me starts to make a bit more sense in my mind – and, for that, I thank my friends and family.

I seem to be a bit more careful with my words and with what I feel. It’s not like I am opting to not feel things, that’s not it. I just try to have a hint of perspective when I am overwhelmed with something.

I feel that a change in me is happening. Call it “growing up” or whatever you like, but that’s what I feel. Fact is that I am learning new things from new people. Remember how people always say “Stop, Listen and Learn”? Well, I guess I have been and am doing it more often than I used to.

As I don’t want this post to be the kind of post you go bored and stop reading, I am going to stop here and wish you, even though it’s been 2 weeks since 2012 started, all the best in 2012.

Thank you for reading me.

DannSF

You were all that I trully cared about.
And you were the one.
Yes, I admit it: I loved you.

But that all ended.
Something was missing:
My all wasn’t enough.

I wanted to make you happy.
But I just wasn’t enough.

Though there was never a “someone else”,
In my mind I struggled to comprehend what else I could do or give to please you.
I felt like I was losing it.
I felt that I was the one who was doing it wrong.
I doubted my senses and myself.
I tried (and I really did) to disagree with my mind when it told me that it was the end and there was nothing else I could do.
Not even wait for you.
It just was too much and too late.
It has been over for about three months now,
But they were three months of feeling powerless and lost.

Today… Today I finally feel that I am coming back.
I feel that I am back on track.
I feel that whatever I gave you,
whatever it was,
Is slowly coming back to me.

And you know what?
Though I might sound bitter by saying this
(and let me assure you that I am anything but bitter),
and even though it might be inappropriate to say it,
I am saying it anyway:

I’m done.
I’m done
but
I am grateful.

I am grateful you once were in my life.
I am grateful to have shared what I call love with you.
I am grateful for all the moments I spent with you.
I am grateful you made me understand what were my limits,
What I could never give up, and what I shouldn’t do.

Though I know you’re hurt too,
Though I am pretty sure you will never read this,
I feel I need to let this out of my system.

Thank you.

I’m tired of feeling lost and out of place.

I’m tired of not being able to express my feelings.

Not even to myself. I’m tired of feeling useless and worthless.

I find it pointless to think about this, but I can’t help it.

I miss being in love. I miss being called baby, and call babe back.

I miss those late night drunk texts or calls one would get from time to time.

I miss the spontaneity of surprising your loved one, somehow, somewhere.

I don’t understand what exactly is He trying to teach me here. I don’t think

I am looking on the right perspective.

I don’t think I’m looking out of the box.

But, honestly, nothing seems to be working. Nothing.

Maybe I’m overlooking the fact that I’ve got great friends… and I’ve got people who truly love me. But that’s not what I’m yearning for: friend attention. I want more.

Yes. I am aware that not everyone gets what they want, and that I should ask myself whether I need this sort of attention or not.

And then I’m back to zero. It’s almost as if I hit a reset button in my system and my emotions.

But then everything builds up again and this is what I get: a time bomb ready to burst the moment the right (or wrong) people ditch me, again, for the Nth time.

Am I hoping for a fairy tale? *scoff* I guess I am…

Am I trying to quit thinking about it? Yes, sure am.

And then I’m left with nothing.

I wish I could truly give up on feelings, emotions and all that.

I wish I could be like I used to: Stable. Dependable. Independent.

I just wish I had a guiding light. I wish I could trust someone with all this. I wish I could trust my feelings and emotions with someone.

I miss how yes always meant yes, and not “maybe” or even “no”.

I miss how things just fell into place like puzzle pieces and in an orderly manner; in a way that I could understand.

Nowadays, everything seems so messy, so confusing. Everything seems scrambled … but then, when I look into things, everything dissolves and disappears… and I am left wondering:

“What can possibly be wrong with me? Why do I feel so bothered with all this bunch of nothing?”

I wish it did’t hurt as much as it does.

I wish I didn’t have to feel this way.

I wish I was more in sync ad in control of things around me and about me.

I wish I could disappear and that no one would notice.

I agreed.

Doubt was always present, but I blinded myself…
Because I agreed.
Fear bombarded my thoughts, but I didn’t care…
Because I agreed.
But hope was also whispering in my ears…
Because I agreed.

I hoped that the request had a reason.
I hoped that, even though I had agreed to something unreasonable, it would still be reasonable to have agreed.

I don’t know if I was wrong.
I don’t know if I was right.
All I know is that I am looking at bricks.
Big, tall, sturdy bricks.

No holes.
No flaws.
Nothing.

Just plain.
Smooth.
Simple.
Bricks.

What am I thinking? What am I talking about? What am I gonna do?

I don’t know.

- “What? What is amazing? And who are you?” I ask back

- “It. It’s amazing isn’t it?” the same voice replies

- “I don’t understand… what are you talking about?!”

- “What you feel. Love. It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

- “Oh… Love…” I smile and continue: “It is. I have no words to describe how I feel. It always feels and sounds incomplete when I try… but, how do you know what I feel? Who are you?”

- “It does not matter who or what I am. Truth is I can see, feel and smell what you feel. It emanates from you as if it were Spring and you were an orchid which just bloomed. It feels like whatever you touch becomes more lively. It looks like you have just gotten up from a fantastic night of sleep. There’s a sparkle in your eyes which I had never seen before. There’s a smile coming from within which I longed to see. There’s this warmth in your hug that I have never felt before.” he says. I agree and nod.

- “It’s impressive how it cuts boundaries and surpasses every difficulty in you day-by-day life. It’s impressive how, after two months, the feeling is still there. How the feeling feels freshly brewed and seems to grow stronger every day. It’s amazing how this connection that has been, and still is being created, makes you feel good, no matter what. It’s amazing how, just the thought of a kiss, a hug or a look can make you feel warm and have butterflies flying in your stomach. Amazing, isn’t it?”

- “How can you know so much and understand so well what I feel? It is virtually impossible for anyone to know what I feel. Not like this!”

- “Daniel, don’t be silly. Of course it is possible. You are in a dream. Everything is possible in your dreams. And, in dream world, anyone can talk to you and they may or may not know you. I know you. Don’t ask how what or why. I just do.”

And suddenly I wake up, still shocked with what I had just heard in my dream. As I come back to my senses, I can’t stop but think about you and how fulfilled you make me feel. How complete you make feel. How absolute and happy you make me feel.

You are the reason I stay up late and “don’t” whine about it the next day.

You are my inspiration when I need it and even when I don’t need it.

You are the first and only who has left me speechless and wordless altogether.

You are mine, and I am yours. No matter what. You shall forever be tattooed deep in my heart.

I love you, E.W. I love you more than words can ever describe.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Being with you is an unforgettable trip of sensations and emotions, you know?

It all begin when my eyes catch a glimpse of your gorgeous dark skin. My pupils dilate, my eyelids open up and eye brows relax.
Then my mouth reacts to the thought of kissing you. I smile and make my cheeks and eyes smile too.
And, as my eyes smile, and my pupils dilate, and my lips smile, a warm tingling sensation surrounds my stomach and heart. My heart races and my stomach feels funny. Anticipation and anxiety grows.

I extend my arms to hug you, as my legs become weak from so much anxiety. You approach me and hug me back. The smile widens and so does the warm tingling sensation.

When our lips meet, an explosion happens in me. My heart feels cozy and warm, it almost feels like it is happy and smiles with me too. My stomach relaxes and becomes at ease. My brain shuts down and all the problems around it and life simply disappear. At that moment, nothing matters. Nothing can destroy me. Nothing can make me happier. Nothing… but you. I feel fulfilled, satisfied, absolute.

After our lips unglue, I feel the aftermath of the explosion: everything is clear, everything is perfect, nothing matters but you. I feel happiness, I feel joy, I feel pure bliss, I feel complete. I look into your eyes, into your beautiful brown eyes, and we smile.

You complete me, and I will miss you.

It may be a bit too early to write a post like this, it may even bring me bad luck to write this… however, I can’t help but write this down.

Recently this month, I met someone. Not a special someone at the time, just someone. Later on I found out it was pure luck to have met this someone, but at the time I thought it was just like any other new person who I meet on my daily life.

We spoke online for long hours, we exchanged text messages all day long, and we laughed at each others jokes. Music tastes were very similar and interest started to grow as we got to know each other better. Little did I know that it would grow this much.

Every time I write about love, there’s a small drop of melancholy or sadness in between the dreamy feeling of being in love (which, I might add, I have never felt), since I don’t have “that” someone. I don’t have someone to call “you”, as may you may have read in one of my previous posts.

For some odd reason, I did not feel scared to open myself up. I was an open book. I did not hide my flaws. I did not put on a mask or a shield to cover up my weaknesses, which, obviously, left me unprotected. And, even though I was aware of this risk, I still decided to unlock my door.

To me, this person was everything I could ever ask for. “Flaws and All…”. There was nothing I could dislike of this person. Everything seemed so perfect. Even the flaws seemed perfect. They were flaws, yes, yet they were still perfect. There was this look that drove me crazy. One look that gave me shivers, one look that made me fall. One look that made me run like some silly boy. One look that completed me in every way. No more emptiness, no more numbness, no more “nothing”. I felt complete. I felt that everything was gonna be alright, good or bad. I felt happy. I felt like pure bliss had arrived. It had finally come to me. Out of all people in this world, it had come to me. I loved the feeling. It made me remember how happy I was when I was younger. It made me feel like a small kid. It made me feel like the “old Daniel”, the Daniel that left Portugal 5 years ago. The one who had so many dreams and so many hopes. The one who had to be suppressed to avoid deception. The one who had been sleeping for 4 years. He was finally awake.

It was just too good to be true. I thought it was too good because I do not believe in perfection.. which is ironic, since I am a Virgo and our main characteristic is perfectionism. I want everything to be perfect, that is true, however, my rational side knows and is aware that no human being in this world is trully perfect. We are flawed. Some more than others, but still flawed.

It is not over now. But it is not going on still either. I guess this problem had to come up to kill the perfection, which, in a way, I thank. I can’t deny that I love this feeling. I can’t deny that I missed the “old Daniel”. And I can’t deny I really like this person. But I can, in a way, wish that this would last. The bliss is still there, for some odd reason, it is still there, which I am thankful for.

I hope I have my wish granted. Now, or later, I hope I do.

Thank you for reading me.

Dann