“If a set of purple sparkly tights and a velvety dress is what makes my baby happy one night, then so be it. If he wants to carry a purse, or marry a man, or paint fingernails with his best girlfriend, then ok. My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.”
Best. Quote. Ever.
Unknown parent, I salute you
As my eyeballs run through the inumerous pages of my study material,
they draw particular attention to one small, yet interesting, theory:
Almost instantly,
my brain registers this information
and then a silly thought comes to my mind:
“Can this be applied to reality? To everyday-life?”
I stop reading and start giving some thought to it:
If it were to apply to everyday-life, one could deduce:
“Bad jobs drives out good [jobs]“
or
“Bad partners drives out good [partners]“
or even
“Bad experiences drives out good [experiences]“
I am appalled at how, somehow, this can be true.
Yes, I am exhausted. Hence the somewhat pointless words.
Hello dearest reader,
Last time I posted here, I wrote an Untitled post about how lost and out of place I felt, and the one before that was about feeling tired and wishing that something or someone came back.
Well, as you may have read, I wrote a late thank you note to someone just the other day and that was the first post of 2012. I spoke of how grateful I was of having met this person. And that’s exactly where I want to get to: a change that I feel that is coming.
No, I am not in love again (and you might have noticed that it has been over for some time now). I just finally feel that there is more to it than what I used to write. I can’t lie and say that I don’t want the fairy tale, or my happy ending for that matter, because I know I do want it. What changed – or should I say, what is changing - is how I am looking at things.
I have a feeling that 2012 is truly going to be a fantastic year (read: enduring but worthwhile). My life isn’t changing altogether just yet. To be honest, nothing actually happened that made my world go around a roller-coaster, nor am I in one. I feel that things are finally setting in. Everything around me starts to make a bit more sense in my mind – and, for that, I thank my friends and family.
I seem to be a bit more careful with my words and with what I feel. It’s not like I am opting to not feel things, that’s not it. I just try to have a hint of perspective when I am overwhelmed with something.
I feel that a change in me is happening. Call it “growing up” or whatever you like, but that’s what I feel. Fact is that I am learning new things from new people. Remember how people always say “Stop, Listen and Learn”? Well, I guess I have been and am doing it more often than I used to.
As I don’t want this post to be the kind of post you go bored and stop reading, I am going to stop here and wish you, even though it’s been 2 weeks since 2012 started, all the best in 2012.
Thank you for reading me.
DannSF
Your smile used to be the light of my day.
And your laugh used to be my comfort.
You were all that I trully cared about.
And you were the one.
Yes, I admit it: I loved you.
But that all ended.
Something was missing:
My all wasn’t enough.
I wanted to make you happy.
But I just wasn’t enough.
Though there was never a “someone else”,
In my mind I struggled to comprehend what else I could do or give to please you.
I felt like I was losing it.
I felt that I was the one who was doing it wrong.
I doubted my senses and myself.
I tried (and I really did) to disagree with my mind when it told me that it was the end and there was nothing else I could do.
Not even wait for you.
It just was too much and too late.
It has been over for about three months now,
But they were three months of feeling powerless and lost.
Today… Today I finally feel that I am coming back.
I feel that I am back on track.
I feel that whatever I gave you,
whatever it was,
Is slowly coming back to me.
And you know what?
Though I might sound bitter by saying this
(and let me assure you that I am anything but bitter),
and even though it might be inappropriate to say it,
I am saying it anyway:
I’m done.
I’m done
but
I am grateful.
I am grateful you once were in my life.
I am grateful to have shared what I call love with you.
I am grateful for all the moments I spent with you.
I am grateful you made me understand what were my limits,
What I could never give up, and what I shouldn’t do.
Though I know you’re hurt too,
Though I am pretty sure you will never read this,
I feel I need to let this out of my system.
Thank you.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of feeling lost and out of place.
I’m tired of not being able to express my feelings.
Not even to myself. I’m tired of feeling useless and worthless.
I find it pointless to think about this, but I can’t help it.
I miss being in love. I miss being called baby, and call babe back.
I miss those late night drunk texts or calls one would get from time to time.
I miss the spontaneity of surprising your loved one, somehow, somewhere.
I don’t understand what exactly is He trying to teach me here. I don’t think
I am looking on the right perspective.
I don’t think I’m looking out of the box.
But, honestly, nothing seems to be working. Nothing.
Maybe I’m overlooking the fact that I’ve got great friends… and I’ve got people who truly love me. But that’s not what I’m yearning for: friend attention. I want more.
Yes. I am aware that not everyone gets what they want, and that I should ask myself whether I need this sort of attention or not.
And then I’m back to zero. It’s almost as if I hit a reset button in my system and my emotions.
But then everything builds up again and this is what I get: a time bomb ready to burst the moment the right (or wrong) people ditch me, again, for the Nth time.
Am I hoping for a fairy tale? *scoff* I guess I am…
Am I trying to quit thinking about it? Yes, sure am.
And then I’m left with nothing.
I wish I could truly give up on feelings, emotions and all that.
I wish I could be like I used to: Stable. Dependable. Independent.
I just wish I had a guiding light. I wish I could trust someone with all this. I wish I could trust my feelings and emotions with someone.
I miss the simplicity of things.
I miss how yes always meant yes, and not “maybe” or even “no”.
I miss how things just fell into place like puzzle pieces and in an orderly manner; in a way that I could understand.
Nowadays, everything seems so messy, so confusing. Everything seems scrambled … but then, when I look into things, everything dissolves and disappears… and I am left wondering:
“What can possibly be wrong with me? Why do I feel so bothered with all this bunch of nothing?”
I wish it did’t hurt as much as it does.
I wish I didn’t have to feel this way.
I wish I was more in sync ad in control of things around me and about me.
I wish I could disappear and that no one would notice.
It all started with a simple request.
A silent request.
A request that wasn’t requested, but it was still a request.
I agreed.
Doubt was always present, but I blinded myself…
Because I agreed.
Fear bombarded my thoughts, but I didn’t care…
Because I agreed.
But hope was also whispering in my ears…
Because I agreed.
I hoped that the request had a reason.
I hoped that, even though I had agreed to something unreasonable, it would still be reasonable to have agreed.
I don’t know if I was wrong.
I don’t know if I was right.
All I know is that I am looking at bricks.
Big, tall, sturdy bricks.
No holes.
No flaws.
Nothing.
Just plain.
Smooth.
Simple.
Bricks.
What am I thinking? What am I talking about? What am I gonna do?
I don’t know.
- “It’s amazing, isn’t it?” someone asks with a smirk in their voice
- “What? What is amazing? And who are you?” I ask back
- “It. It’s amazing isn’t it?” the same voice replies
- “I don’t understand… what are you talking about?!”
- “What you feel. Love. It’s amazing, isn’t it?”
- “Oh… Love…” I smile and continue: “It is. I have no words to describe how I feel. It always feels and sounds incomplete when I try… but, how do you know what I feel? Who are you?”
- “It does not matter who or what I am. Truth is I can see, feel and smell what you feel. It emanates from you as if it were Spring and you were an orchid which just bloomed. It feels like whatever you touch becomes more lively. It looks like you have just gotten up from a fantastic night of sleep. There’s a sparkle in your eyes which I had never seen before. There’s a smile coming from within which I longed to see. There’s this warmth in your hug that I have never felt before.” he says. I agree and nod.
- “It’s impressive how it cuts boundaries and surpasses every difficulty in you day-by-day life. It’s impressive how, after two months, the feeling is still there. How the feeling feels freshly brewed and seems to grow stronger every day. It’s amazing how this connection that has been, and still is being created, makes you feel good, no matter what. It’s amazing how, just the thought of a kiss, a hug or a look can make you feel warm and have butterflies flying in your stomach. Amazing, isn’t it?”
- “How can you know so much and understand so well what I feel? It is virtually impossible for anyone to know what I feel. Not like this!”
- “Daniel, don’t be silly. Of course it is possible. You are in a dream. Everything is possible in your dreams. And, in dream world, anyone can talk to you and they may or may not know you. I know you. Don’t ask how what or why. I just do.”
And suddenly I wake up, still shocked with what I had just heard in my dream. As I come back to my senses, I can’t stop but think about you and how fulfilled you make me feel. How complete you make feel. How absolute and happy you make me feel.
You are the reason I stay up late and “don’t” whine about it the next day.
You are my inspiration when I need it and even when I don’t need it.
You are the first and only who has left me speechless and wordless altogether.
You are mine, and I am yours. No matter what. You shall forever be tattooed deep in my heart.
I love you, E.W. I love you more than words can ever describe.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
You once asked me how you made me feel, and I told you, briefly, how I felt, but promised you’d read it someday.
Being with you is an unforgettable trip of sensations and emotions, you know?
It all begin when my eyes catch a glimpse of your gorgeous dark skin. My pupils dilate, my eyelids open up and eye brows relax.
Then my mouth reacts to the thought of kissing you. I smile and make my cheeks and eyes smile too.
And, as my eyes smile, and my pupils dilate, and my lips smile, a warm tingling sensation surrounds my stomach and heart. My heart races and my stomach feels funny. Anticipation and anxiety grows.
I extend my arms to hug you, as my legs become weak from so much anxiety. You approach me and hug me back. The smile widens and so does the warm tingling sensation.
When our lips meet, an explosion happens in me. My heart feels cozy and warm, it almost feels like it is happy and smiles with me too. My stomach relaxes and becomes at ease. My brain shuts down and all the problems around it and life simply disappear. At that moment, nothing matters. Nothing can destroy me. Nothing can make me happier. Nothing… but you. I feel fulfilled, satisfied, absolute.
After our lips unglue, I feel the aftermath of the explosion: everything is clear, everything is perfect, nothing matters but you. I feel happiness, I feel joy, I feel pure bliss, I feel complete. I look into your eyes, into your beautiful brown eyes, and we smile.
You complete me, and I will miss you.
Hello,
It may be a bit too early to write a post like this, it may even bring me bad luck to write this… however, I can’t help but write this down.
Recently this month, I met someone. Not a special someone at the time, just someone. Later on I found out it was pure luck to have met this someone, but at the time I thought it was just like any other new person who I meet on my daily life.
We spoke online for long hours, we exchanged text messages all day long, and we laughed at each others jokes. Music tastes were very similar and interest started to grow as we got to know each other better. Little did I know that it would grow this much.
Every time I write about love, there’s a small drop of melancholy or sadness in between the dreamy feeling of being in love (which, I might add, I have never felt), since I don’t have “that” someone. I don’t have someone to call “you”, as may you may have read in one of my previous posts.
For some odd reason, I did not feel scared to open myself up. I was an open book. I did not hide my flaws. I did not put on a mask or a shield to cover up my weaknesses, which, obviously, left me unprotected. And, even though I was aware of this risk, I still decided to unlock my door.
To me, this person was everything I could ever ask for. “Flaws and All…”. There was nothing I could dislike of this person. Everything seemed so perfect. Even the flaws seemed perfect. They were flaws, yes, yet they were still perfect. There was this look that drove me crazy. One look that gave me shivers, one look that made me fall. One look that made me run like some silly boy. One look that completed me in every way. No more emptiness, no more numbness, no more “nothing”. I felt complete. I felt that everything was gonna be alright, good or bad. I felt happy. I felt like pure bliss had arrived. It had finally come to me. Out of all people in this world, it had come to me. I loved the feeling. It made me remember how happy I was when I was younger. It made me feel like a small kid. It made me feel like the “old Daniel”, the Daniel that left Portugal 5 years ago. The one who had so many dreams and so many hopes. The one who had to be suppressed to avoid deception. The one who had been sleeping for 4 years. He was finally awake.
It was just too good to be true. I thought it was too good because I do not believe in perfection.. which is ironic, since I am a Virgo and our main characteristic is perfectionism. I want everything to be perfect, that is true, however, my rational side knows and is aware that no human being in this world is trully perfect. We are flawed. Some more than others, but still flawed.
It is not over now. But it is not going on still either. I guess this problem had to come up to kill the perfection, which, in a way, I thank. I can’t deny that I love this feeling. I can’t deny that I missed the “old Daniel”. And I can’t deny I really like this person. But I can, in a way, wish that this would last. The bliss is still there, for some odd reason, it is still there, which I am thankful for.
I hope I have my wish granted. Now, or later, I hope I do.
Thank you for reading me.
Dann
Hey,
You know, importing all those posts from my multiply blog made me travel back a year in memories…
It is funny to see how defined one can be. I noticed that I often feel empty and that I write a lot about finding “the” one. And it is funny to track back my writing back then, and now… Not much has changed really… If you compare the 1st imported post, and the last… you read the exact same feeling, in a different month and year.
The sad part is that, out of 96 posts, only 17 were “good” to go into this new blog… but oh well. I miss writing, so having a not so full blog could be nice… Right? 
There’s a lot going on in my life now… new things, new people, and some sort of poem in the making… Needs some polishing though… however, I am not sure if I am ever going to publish it… Lets see how things go. How the “poem” comes out, and how well polished it is.
I also will try to translate an old article I wrote to my old school’s paper, back in May… It talks about Macau, and its new generation… I think it would be interesting to share a translated version here.
Anyway, I guess a simple update is what I am looking for to open up this new blog.
Thank you for the comments and for reading me!
Dann
October 25, 2008 (in discob.multiply.com)
Hey guys,
It’s been a while since I last wrote a few words here… I’ve been so busy with school, future work and studying… It is sort of tiring, but not I am not as tired as I was last year during that conference.
I feel empty. Not drained, just empty. As if there’s a big blank in me, sort of a void. It is not sadness that I feel, it feels like this sort of numbness. As if “nothing” is in place of “anything”, if that even makes sense when you read it.
Describing what I feel is complicated, but I will try. It feels likes weeks have gone by, when, in fact, only 2 or 3 days have passed. My days are so filled with work to do, that it feels like it’s worth 2 days instead of one.
I am not even sure if this is some sort of change I am going through again, or if it is just a phase, or if it’s just my mind playing with me. It feels like my mind floats between feeling utterly fulfilled and being totally empty. Again, it’s not sadness, it’s emptiness. Do you find it complicated? If you don’t, do try to explain because I find it complicated… or maybe I don’t and am just making a big fuss about it.
I almost feel selfish talking about me lately. As in I should not talk about me, myself and I. Yes, I do know that it’s not about me all the time, that’s not what I mean. What I mean is that I feel uncomfortable when, during a conversation, I even mention “me”, yet I still do it, unconsciously.
I miss people. I miss friends. I miss something. It’s not an individual, it’s a whole bunch.
I guess I’m growing pretty much insensitive to things. Had you known what is actually going on in my life, you’d probably say the same. Or maybe I am selfish, because I just shut those problems out. I’m so curious on how things will turn out until December. If things don’t work, a huge change will come into my life in 2009.
2008 is close to and end, and 2009 is almost knocking at our doors, yet, this year feels like it was longer than usual. So much has happened this past year. I feel like I grew 2 years in one, but then again, people still make me feel I am the same old brat. It’s not that I am afraid of growing, I am not. But I would love that some people wouldn’t judge a book by its cover, being the book me of course. It’s not like I had a sh*t life and am now whining about it and want people to feel sorry about me. No, that is not the case. However, I still have that wish.
I am planning on getting a private blog (like a WordPress blog or Blogger), but something tells me I won’t get much readers, which is good, and bad, at the same time. I like readers, but then again, my lack of etiquette over the web has cut my readers here in Multiply short. But that still makes me want a new blog. Somewhere to just write my mind out. I could almost write a novel with what is actually going on with my life. Whoever looks at it just would not believe it. But I suppose things are going as it was “meant to be”, whatever that actually means.
I am not even sure what I am here babbling about. I hate emptiness. You can’t kill it. You can’t fill it with whatever, because it is a certain something or someone. And, right now, I have no idea what that is. I don’t know what is keeping this emptiness.
It is still funny, and odd, how I don’t feel sad with all this emptiness in me. I feel like sleeping it off, but then, I wake up, and it’s still there.
I guess I’ll have to stick to the novel? Or maybe the “nothing”? Or maybe do and keep nothing at all. I wish I knew. It confuses me and others. This emptiness leaves my mind wondering around on what should it think or do.
But I guess I’m done. I hope I did not bore you with one more of my personal life blog entries.
Thanks for reading me.
Dann
October 12, 2008 (in discob.multiply.com)
Hello,
So, I am back for a bit… I’ve been busy with studies mostly and spending time with friends when I can…
Recently, I’ve been helping a friend with the organization of a few parties… and after the parties, he usually asks me my thoughts on how the party went by, as a regular customer… and obviously I’d criticize (and some people should know I’m horrible when it comes to criticism, as much as I am learning how to take it from other people) and, naturally, he defends himself saying that each one of us has a definition of art and that art is something personal. I agreed, but it didn’t stop me from letting my mind loose and wonder over this sentence.
Just like art, taste is personal.
Say, if you love purple, and look great in it, you’ll wear it and people around, friend or foe, will tell you that you look great. However, what happens when purple doesn’t fit you? Will your friends still say you look great? Maybe… Is that good? No. Even some of your foes might say you look great, and it still ain’t good. Why do they go down this road? For the simple and easy reason that they are not up for the troublesome task of actually criticizing your work or, worse, they just want to put up an act to look and seem friendly to everyone, for uncountable reasons.
You may be wondering why I am bringing this up. Why am I bringing this thing of the arts.
Some of you may know that I am very into graphic design and photography, even though I am not quite in the business. And, naturally, I appreciate and criticize whatever I see. Good or bad, I analyze it. It’s healthy for your creativity and imagination, since it keeps things moving. It even helps you to TRY to think out of the box.
Thing is, lately, there has been a lot of things that I’ve seen/heard that are simple horrid. I’m sorry, it is true, and whoever is reading this MUST agree with me somehow. You can go down whatever category in the arts and you’ll see how horrible some things are coming up. Music, photography, architecture, graphic designing, interior designing, etc.
I do understand that people should be proud of their work and all (and I am proud of my work) but, as much as I fear criticism, I am my worst critique. I will try to make it perfect and compare my work to other artists. I’ll even train myself by copying (with minor changes) something that I’ve seen (remember “Copycats”?), all for the sake of perfecting myself.
Do all people do the same? No.
I do not like to name names, but I do dare to say that the categories that I mentioned above contain my worst critiques lately. I also dare to say that there’s a lot in Multiply that I do not enjoy checking out. Honestly, I dare you, if you do anything related to arts: look for the artist that inspires you (and that is in the same business as you) and compare your work to his/hers. Then go down the painful road of looking for similar artists and tutorials that allow you to get to a better technique or something. See how good you are. Check what you have failed to “copy” and look for a way to copy it and enhance that “copy” to make it your own style, meaning, once someone looks at your work people will sigh and say your name (just like they do when they see Picasso, for example).
However, I do not dare to say that “if I don’t comment, it’s because I don’t like it”, since I recently discovered that viewing the posts in your e-mail count as a view in Multiply, and sometimes I am just checking things as read, so… I’m not actually viewing it, now am I?
I know some people might tell me that I am no one to criticize, but I do know that some of my friends do value my comments, because I am a fan of constructive criticism. If I do not like it, I point out WHY I don’t like it and, if I can, I will show them how I’d do it.
Don’t think I am criticizing you, my dear reader, but I am probably giving you a tip for you to improve your work.
Thanks again for reading me.
Dann
June 22, 2008 (in discob.multiply.com)
Hello,
Lately there’s something that has been bugging me. That something is called Copycats, which is also why this post is named after it.
You probably wonder “Why on earth would Dann post something about copycats?!” Well, maybe because all of us sort of have that small kitty in us, and sometimes that kitty ain’t a pussy and decides to purr louder. And what happens? Well, you basically copy other peoples works, entitling them as yours. That’s sad, now ain’t it? How annoying can that be, someone taking all the credit for something YOU created first? Pretty much hey?
Well, allow me to take you to a not-so-contemporary battle in technology: Windows Vista and Mac OS X. Remember how Vista was considered (and still is) a total rip-off (even though I love the look of it… LOL) of Mac OS X? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Because Windows and Mac have been struggling since the beginning.
But there are obviously more battles, like PS3′s and Wii’s, where rumour has it that the new controllers are set to copy Wiimotes! Or take Nokia’s N76′s design! It’s a total tip-off from Motorola’s well known RAZR!! And that’s technology only. Projects can also be copied! Ok, I can’t say I am totally genuine (even though I am mostly genuine anyway LOL –cocky moment), however, when I do intend to copy someone, I will either (1) refer the person who inspired me and give that person some credit — thrust me, I do this — or (2) perfect my work – please read project, design, etc – to the point where you see almost no difference between one another (the copied one), but always adding my own little touch to it, so that when you look at it you have that familiar feeling. That’s when, in my humble opinion, you have achieved a perfect copy.
Basically, my point is that, people seem to love to copy people’s works and don’t even bother to give them some credit, and that really bothers me. Yes, I can’t deny that some rip-offs are indubitably well achieved. However, some projects that are out already and some of the ones that are yet to come are simply horrendous. I am sorry to say this, but this is my most honest opinion.
Oh well, what can you do right? You can’t quiet that kitty of yours all the time, now can you? You should, sometimes, show that you are not a pussy and just purr loud… or should I say roar?? Just please remember to give people some credit, or at least present a flawless work.
That is all for now
Thank you guys for reading me!
Dann
June 14, 2008 (in discob.multiply.com)
Hello,
June 4, 2008 (in discob.multiply.com)
Hello,
June 2, 2008 (in discob.multiply.com)
Hello,
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you’ll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you’ll love me
Love me like you’ll never see me again”
You just gotta agree with me when I say that what is written there is touching! You might even remember me once typing in one of my old blog entries that I wished I had a “you”… I guess that’s where this song falls in, the “you” or “we” factor. A long way to go ’til I get there, I suppose… but I can always dream about it, right?
I do suppose that certain things can’t just be given to you just like that, ’cause you will take it for granted.
Oh well… Music does hit me like a bomb, I suppose. Music makes me wonder how it would be like to have that person. Or feel that feeling. Or live your dream.
There are so many it ‘s in my life that I actually wonder if I am normal.
It does sort of suck to be me: feelings always under control, heart always under close control, mind always supervising every move, every change and every spot that changes in my heart’s “mind”. I do think that our mind and heart have independent minds of their own. I do think that both have to clash. It’s almost like we have sort of 3 spirits in us: one is your logical self at a 100%, another one is your emotional self at a 100%, and the last one is your 50/50 self, the one that struggles between both spirits, the soul that acts out to the world. And I guess I don’t allow myself to fall into the emotional zone that much, not that it is dangerous, but simply because it’s not where I want to be. It drains too much of you, and it’s easier if you just ignore those problems when they are that small.
You by now must be thinking I’m a cold hearted b*tch.
And, well, let me tell you something, I can be. If I want to cut out emotion, I can. Not that I have done that recently (and I am being true with you, trust me), but I have done it in the past. Hit the wrong button too many times and I simply click the eject button in me.
I guess I haven’t found that person. The person who I simply can’t eject. Or even the person who I can eject if I want to, but simply don’t want to, because the feeling of being around that person is simply overwhelming. Do you get what I mean?
Music hits my feeling either for the sound of their beat, or the lyrics that they carry. And I guess I’m done writing. Exposure is nice at times, so I guess I’m gonna leave you with some of my all-time favorite songs.
Flaws and All – Beyonce
Irreplaceable – Beyonce
Like You’ll Never See Me Again – Alicia Keys
If I Ain’t Got You – Alicia Keys
Something About Us – Daft Punk
So She Dances – Josh Groban
Ordinary People – John Legend
I Want You – Moloko
Pilots – Goldfrapp
Black Cherry – Goldfrapp
Hometown Glory – Adele
Cool – Gwen Stefani
We Belong Together – Mariah Carey
Samskeyti – Sigur Ros
And there are some more…
Thanks again for reading me
Dann
March 9, 2008 (in discob.multiply.com)
The title of this post comes straight from a seminar I attended this past Friday.
I have to say, it’s a super controverse subject, as not many people accept neither homosexuals/transexuals/tranvestites nor the idea that the standards in society are changing rapidly.
I have to say, I was intrigued when I was told that there was no class, and that we were to attend the seminar, as I love to learn more over this sort of topics and to leave the auditorium enlightened, as I would have just received an eye-opener line, so to speak.
So this seminar started, and the Professor started speaking about the topic. He begun by defining what transexuals, homosexuals and transvestites were. In case you wouldn’t know, a transexual is someone who feels trapped in another’s body, who feels disgust for their sexual organs; a homosexual is someone who feels sexual and emotional attraction to someone of the same sex; finally, a transvestive is someone who (in his words) is so vain and likes him/herself so much, that even likes to see him/herself dressed with the opposite sex’ clothes. That said, he continued to explain that there were four different sexes and that we should make a clear distinction between “sex” and “gender” due to this matter. The four sexes are as following:
1) the sex of the exterior sexual organs;
2) the sex of the interior sexual organs (testicles, ovaries, etc.)
3) the sex of the genes (XX / XY)
4) the sex that people percieve you as (“social sex”) – say if you are a man and have feminin mannerisms, people might say you are an absolute woman, even though you look like a man.
Up till here, he showed himself pretty much liberal and progressive. As he continued he brought up the obvious “When will they express their desire to change their sex?”. Well, usually it may occur when they are young, however, there are cases of “late transexualism”, meaning, they might even be married and/or have kids, but finally realized they couldn’t be happy being a man/woman. What could have led them to marry was the fact that they thought that “the problem” was just in their head and was nothing to worry about and that, in time, it would go away.
As I am a law student, the next issue started with marriage and parenting.
[ I don't know how it works in the Philippines (and I'm only mentioning the Philippines, because most of my readers are Filipino anyway ), but in Portugal, gay marriage is not allowed, not even common-law marriage is recognized for gay/transexual couples (common-law marriage is when two people live together as a couple but have not gotten married, however, they share the same rights and duties as a officialy married couple; this term might not be the correct term to indicate this sort of union, but at least I got the idea explained). Let me explain, common-law marriage, according to the definition on the Civil Code, is a relationship between two persons who are living together voluntarily in analogue conditions to their partners. That said, you'd be asking what does "analogue conditions to their partners" mean, it basically means that, even though you are not married you introduce your partner as your wife/husband and live your lives together, just like a married couple, I mean, a traditional couple (aka heterosexual couple) ]
Anyway, back to where I left off, lets suppose a married couple, one man, one woman. The man realizes, after getting married that he wants to be a woman. What happens to the marriage? “That’s sort of an idiotic question, Dann”, you’d probably think, “because the marriage is obviously annuled.” Not necessarily, I have to say, as in some countries the sex change is not even allowed because of the previous marriage. Weird, I’d say, I didn’t quite get it, though.
Let’s now change the situation, there’s a couple, one man and one woman, they have kids. Sex change is approved, the man becomes a woman, what happens to the kids? “Can they still see the “father” ” – the Professor inquired. I was shocked when he threw this question to the air, as I cannot understand the problem with the children having two moms, or two dads!! However, please allow me to proceed with the seminar, as I will give you my personal comment to this whole event later.
He proceeded to explain what happens in Holland after the sex change, where your gender referred in your ID card is “updated“, in contrast with what happens in Portugal, as the gender remains forever the same, meaning you will still be a man/woman, even though you look like a woman/man. Meaning that, in Portugal, transexuals could never get married as they will always remain men or women, in contrast with Holland, where, even if gay marriage was not allowed, they would still be able to get married, since they would then be considered of the opposite gender.
He then stopped talking and the moderator allowed the public to intervene and ask a few questions that we might have. We, my classmates and I, were told by our teacher to keep quiet, as this seminar was intended for 3rd and 4th year law students, as they had Family Law as a subject.
Some colleague of mine, probably 4th year asked these two questions: Can transexuals later on marry? How about adoption, can they adopt?
The answers, in my opinion, are somewhat shocking, I sort of started to shut down my whole hearing system as I was approaching my nonsense limit.
In his opinion, and from what I was able to deduce, he says that transexuals could marry if gay marriage was also allowed, as the update of one’s gender wasn’t allowed neither in Portugal nor in Macau. And about adoption? He does not believe that gay couples are able to raise children (otherwise he would never question the future of the kids “done” in a once “traditional” marriage; there could be kids and the kids obviously could always visit their dad/mom. They’d probably have some difficulty grasping the idea of the sex change, but I’m sure children can grasp that sort of concepts, otherwise they’d never understand separation/divorce. According to the Professor, “we have to look for what is best for the child and not makes him/her happy; that said, we should avoid discrimination in school because one of his/hers parents is transexual or he/she has two dads/moms).
And then most of the women in the public decided to thank the Professor for coming and for contributing with this topic, for this daring topic, and for having the courage to speak out about this, as not many would have the courage to do so.
I had already shut down my whole system. I was fed up about it. I did not realize that how shocked I was until 3 hours later, when I was finally able to assimilate the whole event. I was absolutely shocked and outraged for the whole speech.
The seminar ended and a classmate of mine and I went to have dinner at the cantine, and hopefully not miss the next class. That did not happen. We ended up having this argument over the topic. And let me be short on his side, because I can’t possibly give too much attention to his opinion, and you will understand why soon.
He started by saying that transexuals and homosexuals were MENTALLY DEMENTED and that homosexuality and transexuality was a PERVERSION OF THE MIND. He was more insulting when he compared homosexuality/transexuality with pedophilia, zoophilia, suicide and homicide. I called him homophobic and narrow minded. I had had enough. I missed the class and was sort of running late for the next one. I was numb.
Now my opinion over the whole matter.
I enjoyed the seminar, not because of its nonsense but for the eye-opening experience. I had always read and commented about homophobia, but had never experienced in person, not at this level at least. I had never felt that my values and moral were being put to test.
Society is witnessing some drastic changes in it’s standards and supporting pillars, and not many people are willing to accept the changes (take my Grandpa for that matter, he accepts it up to a certain point, but he can’t accept it fully). Traditional images (heterosexual couples, mom and dad, etc) are being broken down to concepts. I believe we are trying to come down to a basic concept, say, a couple is when two persons share their lives and present their loved ones as their partner and not as boyfriend/girlfriend, and not necessarily a man and a woman, sharing their lives; or even parenting, which isn’t limited to heterosexual couples, and there’s good reasoning for it: like the Professor said, there’s the “social sex”, meaning, you could be a woman but act just like a man, coming down to a father figure, and your partner, another woman would be the mum. Psicologists say children copycat their parents, it is true and that’s why adoption of children by gay couples is somewhat complicated, however, scientists have also discovered that being gay/transexual is in the genes. Meaning that, whether the parents are gay or straight, it should never influence in their sexual orientation – and next time you refer to this, please be sure to be cautious and don’t say sexual prefference, as you do not chose to be gay, straight or transexual.
[ Did you know that a transexuals brain is different from a womans and from a mans? Its shape is something between both, but is neither ]
What left me outraged in the seminar, wasn’t only the fact that the Professor was speaking nonsense, but because he was unconsistent with his speech, and please let me explain why. Not because he contradicted himself during his speech with words/thoughts, but on views: he started out as a liberal/progressive person, and ended his speech just like any other narrow-minded ultra conservative person!
There’s one more thing though, I forgot to mention that he said that transexuals would only change 2 of their sexes: the external organs and the social sex, but never the internal nor the genetic, meaning they would always be men/women, as, genetically he/she would always remain the same gender, meaning that, even if in the ID the gender was updated, if we were to be that meticulous, you’d forever remain a man or a woman. You would never be a full woman nor a full man. But then, I’d have to ask you the following: what about hermaphodites? And genetic mutation, where you can have “XXY boys“? (For those who do not know, in the XY sex-determination system, females have two of the same kind of sex chromosome (XX), while males have two distinct sex chromosomes (XY).) Those boys are still boys, but genetically it’s a mix: bioquemically they have both male and female hormones running in their blood stream. Oh, and how about mosaicism, where you can be a full male but your liver happened to be have female genes? You still look like a man, but you are not fully a man, now are you?
I love it when people bring up these topics because I do research a lot on this. I have even watched a whole sex change surgery (from man to woman). It is sort of painful to watch, but it trully is amazing. I wonder if I will ever be an activist in this sort of topic, as critical as I am, I know I would most likely want things to change.
I am probably too liberal or too progressive, but I just can’t help it. Homosexuality/transexuality is the “new” racism. The bottom line is the same: discrimination, superiority, prejudice.
I’d have to ask all of you who have the patience to read this whole post to speak out your opinion in your comments. Contradict me, criticize me, just don’t insult. haha
Thanks so much for reading me.
March 4, 2007 (in discob.multiply.com)
It’s funny how I said on my previous blog entry that “it is because all this happens that life becomes interesting” but don’t trully mean it but rather just type it down so that I too try to believe that it is that way.
I know that you have to know black to see white, and that you have to feel sadness to know hapiness, however, I don’t quite believe that so many things should happen all at once… just like it is happening now.
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Right now, I want confirmation of a few things that came up today and a few weeks ago… say, a job, my trip back to Portugal, a few of my questions regarding my life. Things take time, but it’s so many things happening all at once and no man is made of steel.
It is an utterly overwhelming feeling.
Beyonce trully has been my inspiration lately. Last year, my song was “Irreplaceable”, right now it’s “Flaws and All” and I think that “If” could be my future.
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I’m lacking in words and inspiration, however, I do still feel like writing something here.
Thank you so much for your comments, visits and support..
March 2, 2008 (in discob.multiply.com)
I’d hug you as tight as I could.
I’d make you mine, and mine only.
I’d make you happy as pure bliss makes you feel.
It’s amazing how one look can make it totally different. One touch. One time. One.
That moment, that one moment… you… me… we smile… looking into each others eyes… closer… and closer… sealing it with a kiss….. I can still feel the shivers running down my spine.
…
Sigh…
I can’t call it love, because I know it’s not love. But I’ve never felt this way. So… Ugh… I’ve never gotten so much attention from anyone. And then you came along…
I wish you could be mine. I wish I could be yours. I wish I could hug you. I wish I could kiss you. But I know I can’t have it that way, and I understand.
Life is a bitch at times. This feeling will go by, eventually. I know it. It has to. But it is because all this happens that life becomes interesting.
I can’t wait to see you again and give you a hug. I know it won’t be the same, but I want to feel that I miss it and feel it deep in me so that I am ready to say goodbye to this mega feeling.
Will it ever come again? I do hope so….
Another one under the influence of “Flaws and All”.
Thanks for reading me.
